[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works