[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.