At an art museum and I thought this was art
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.