[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.