At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”