Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.