At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.