[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
no!! no!!!!!!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*