[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer