*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Planet of the Apps.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow