[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I love the honesty
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight