@Quartzjixler The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
@TheAlexP [At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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@Quartzjixler 
@sarcasticmommy4 *walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
@notfaizzy Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
@permawedgie OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
@3sunzzz My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
@AngieDavisHaha I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
@MelvinofYork At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
@SimplySnaccbar GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
@buck4itt Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
@ninjadinosaur1 have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car