@not_liberal Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
@TheAlexP [At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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@not_liberal 
@bewgtweets Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
@pumpkin_horse *cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
@Crunch11b Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
@IamEnidColeslaw got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
@thedailymarker My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
@noog Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
@DurtMcHurtt Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
@TheAlexNevil The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
@Aspersioncast I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.