@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

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@not_liberal

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Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@pumpkin_horse

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

@noog

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@TheAlexNevil

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.