[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
No way!
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.