[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.