*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me recordaron éste meme
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”