[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever