[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Damn what did I do next
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven