*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs