At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
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Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.