At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Happy Taco Tuesday
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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