[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Ghost costume 😂
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
meow
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.