[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
How funny!