At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb