At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
God: *creates dogs*
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
me: what campaign are we working on today?
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I want what they have
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market