*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
This is painfully accurate 😅
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money