At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Butt weight. There’s more!
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?