Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
S: make the lid a little smaller