@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

You Might Also Like

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@MatCro

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@Rica_Bee

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

@mrjohndarby

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

@runawaycupcake

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

@OctopusCaveman

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller