[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
You Might Also Like
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
CRYING
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Tastes like chicken.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.