*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
relationship goals
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
are they though??
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Xylophonist Shredding It
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.