[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
some Old Testament wisdom
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms