[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.