[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.