[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Tuesday