*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
LMAO.
Good morning
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
This made me chuckle.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.