[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
You Might Also Like
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
im 7 sauces long
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face