[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble