[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
You Might Also Like
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly