[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving