At ease
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My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that