I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*screams as police dog takes me down.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn