@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

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@daddyinmotion

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

@bransonreese

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

@crocodilethumbs

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

@SheMightHave

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@shanethevein

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn