[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
You Might Also Like
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
#Caturday
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*