[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Breaking news:
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.