At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime