At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!