At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land