[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
You Might Also Like
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”