[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
ready to be harvested
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.