[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
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Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
monday
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Awesome parenting 😂
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
notice
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.