*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.