*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
you gotta be faster
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen