[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My birthstone is kidney
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Practicing safe sax
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you