[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
You Might Also Like
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
definitely did not do anything wrong
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car