[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
groan^2
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer